i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.