I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm both gender and math confused
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
