i jhust puked up my retainher.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
