I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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