upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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