My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
