if i can run in heels then i can drive
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
