I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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