i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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