apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
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I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
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Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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