My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
