I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
