Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
