The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
