Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
