I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
A bitchslap is in order.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
