soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
