she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
