WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
