We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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