It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
We need to rekindle our bromance
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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