he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
