If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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