Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
