I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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