I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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