I can text with my tongue
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
