her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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