I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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