roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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