Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
