No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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