That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
