I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
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I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
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Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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