I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
