I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
