I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
