What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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