I think my fart just growled at me.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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