Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
