Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm like, not good at living.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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