I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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