How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
