In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
