I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
