i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
