we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
