I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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