I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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