I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
