I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
