the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
