I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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