apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
