I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
