i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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